


Even Lovers Drown

by definitelythor (yourlionheartx)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Alternative Universe - Mermaids, Angst, Coming of Age, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2014-02-24
Packaged: 2018-01-13 15:29:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1231660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlionheartx/pseuds/definitelythor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan meets Phil when he’s nine and Phil’s thirteen, and he very quickly becomes the best thing in Dan’s life. But Phil’s a merman and no one else believes that he exists.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even Lovers Drown

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Bullying in the first part, and a little bit of smut later on. Also to be safe, there are two scenes that involve drowning, one where the character loses consciousness, but no character death

“ _One day, tens of millions of years from now,_  
 _someone will find me rusted into the mud of a world they have never seen,_  
 _and when they crumble me between their fingers,_  
 _it will be you they find._ ”  
— Jeanette Winterson, the stone gods

i.  
  
Dan’s sick to death of the beach hut. He’s sick of coming here every single summer where nothing ever happens and they sit around on the beach all day getting sun burnt. It’s _boring_. Kids in his class are going to Disney World and to Spain and India, and Dan’s going to Bournemouth, which is an hour from his house, to stay in a hut the size of a small shed. No wonder no one at school likes him, _he’s boring._  
  
The paint on the beach hut is peeling and it’s been raining for weeks so the blue is a lot lighter than Dan remembers. But when he mentions it to his Mum she says he’s just imagining it, and she puts her sunglasses on top of her head before unlocking the door and walking inside. It’s definitely paler, and it looks worse than it did last year.  
  
"I’m bored already," Dan mutters.  
  
Dan’s Dad makes a tutting noise under his breath. “Can you just _try_ and be happy for once? We might not get to come here next year, what with your brother on the way.”  
  
Dan rolls his eyes and shrugs because he is trying, it’s just there isn’t really much to be happy about. He’s got sand in his shoes and between his toes and the red flags are up because it’s still stormy, so he can’t even go swimming. There’s literally nothing to do, but sit on the rocks and listen to his walkman, and he can’t do that for two weeks straight without actually dying of boredom. He’s going to die of boredom and then his parents will be really sorry that they never took him to Disney World.

When Dan sits down on the rocks, he looks out at the sea. It’s quiet because they’ve arrived late and also because no one comes here really, there are so many more exciting places in the world. The glare of the sun is in Dan’s eyes. He’s left his sunglasses in the hut, and he’s thinking about going back to grab them when something moves into his vision. Dan blinks and shields his eyes with his hand, and then he’s sure he sees it again. Maybe it’s dolphins. Dan isn’t sure how many dolphins live on the South coast of England but he’s never seen one up close so he feels a rush of excitement. Jack in his class swam with dolphins once, and Dan’s been jealous ever since. He wants to see the look on Jack’s face when he tells him he’s seen one out in the wild.  
  
There’s a splash and Dan stands up, but then he slips on the rocks and his knee hits a sharp edge, grazing the skin. Tears fill his eyes at the sudden pain, but he he isn’t going to cry because he’s nine years old and he isn’t a baby. His earphones have fallen out and all he can hear now is the crashing of the waves against the rocks.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Dan jolts, looking down at the source of the voice. There’s a boy in the water, with a lot of black hair and really blue eyes that flicker from Dan’s knee to his face, looking concerned.  
  
"You can’t swim today, the red flags are out. It’s dangerous," Dan says.  
  
"They don’t apply to me. And if you wanna come in, I’ll make sure you stay safe."  
  
Dan shakes is head, “I don’t have my swimming trunks.”  
  
"Nor do I." The boy’s lips curl into a smile and Dan’s about to open his mouth and ask what he means, but then the boy ducks under the water and Dan just stares as a silver blue tail comes out of the sea before crashing down on the surface and totally drenching Dan in ice cold water. Dan’s too stunned to even react to it.  
  
The boy re-surfaces, still smiling. “I’m Phil,” he says. He holds out his hand, but Dan’s still trying to get his head around the tail thing and when he doesn’t give his hand to Phil to shake, Phil just drops it, frowning. “You all right?” Phil asks.  
  
"Are you a mermaid?" Dan asks.  
  
"Well - technically yeah, but I’m a mer _man_ obviously. Mermaid just refers to our species as a whole.”  
  
"Your species? What - did I hit my head?" Dan lifts his hand to feel his head, checking his fingers for blood and Phil watches on, looking confused.  
  
"I think you hit your leg actually," he says.  
  
"Mermaids don’t exist."  
  
Phil mock gasps and then laughs, shaking his head. He leans back, his tail stretching out in front of him. Dan notices that it’s exactly the same blue as his eyes.  
  
"Weird that," Phil says. "I must be a figment of my own imagination, and the past thirteen years haven’t even happened."  
  
He disappears under the water again and then pops back up, flicking his hair back from his face. “That’s extremely rude by the way, and I’m choosing to let it slide but for future reference, don’t tell someone that they don’t exist.”  
  
"Sorry," Dan says. "I didn’t mean to insult you, I just - I’ve never seen one of you before. I always thought - "  
  
"Why do you have to see something to know it’s real?"  
  
Dan opens his mouth but then he closes it and just shakes his head. He had stopped believing in Santa Clause two years ago and his Mum had been really upset about it, but maybe part of that came down to the fact Dan had never seen him, and obviously none if it makes any sense and Dan’s a lot smarter than some of the kids in his class who still address Christmas lists to the North Pole every year.  
  
"You know, salt water will make that heal better." Phil gestures to Dan’s knee.  
  
Dan looks back at the hut, the lights are on but his parents don’t seem to be on the beach so maybe they won’t find out. “You’ll keep me safe?” Dan asks.  
  
"Of course I will."  
  
Dan wraps the earphones around his walkman, settling it on a rock before he blushes and Phil covers his eyes with his hands so Dan can pull off his t shirt and his shorts. He slips into the water and Phil peers through a gap in his fingers before taking his hands away. Dan’s knee stings for a second and he winces, kicking out his legs to stay afloat. He tries finding the floor so he can stand, but then Phil’s fingers are on his wrist.  
  
"You’re okay, I promise."  
  
Dan swallows and after a moment he stops kicking and lets out a shaky breath when he realise he’s not sinking. Phil’s looking at him carefully, his eyes scanning Dan’s, and then he slowly takes his hand away and he smiles when Dan doesn’t move, because something about Phil is making Dan trust him. The waves around them subside and Dan’s not moving but he’s not sinking.  
  
"How do you - I’m not even touching the bottom," Dan says breathlessly.  
  
Phil grins. “Magic,” he whispers.

"I’m sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Dan." Dan holds out his hand for Phil and Phil takes it in his own hand, giving it a firm shake. His hands are ice cold, it makes Dan shiver.  
  
"Yeah, I know," Phil says.  
  
Dan frowns and he wants to ask how Phil knows but Phil just grins again and leans back, his arms crossed behind his head. Dan attempts to avert his eyes but he’s got to admit, mermaids are probably a little cooler than dolphins and he hasn’t seen either close up so he might as well look. And Phil’s kind of beautiful as well, in the same way a painting is. Dan imagines people would spend a lot of money just to hang pictures of Phil on their walls.  
  
"You’re looking at me funny," Phil points out.  
  
"Well, I’m trying to sort out this whole magic merman thing in my head. Gimme a second."  
  
Phil raises his eyebrows and then he flicks his hair back and tilts his head to look up at the sky. “Go ahead then,” he says.  
  
"You’re a show off," Dan says, but he smiles and when he does, Phil flips back into a vertical position again and he reaches out to press the pad of his thumb into the dimple on Dan’s cheek.  
  
"And you’re cute," Phil says.  
  
Dan scowls, leaning away from Phil’s touch. “I am not cute. I’m going to be an older brother, so I can’t be cute.”  
  
"I don’t think you should do anything where you can’t be cute, you’ll be bad at it." Phil pokes out his tongue when Dan narrows his eyes and then Dan goes to splash Phil but Phil disappears under the surface again. When he comes back up he squirts a stream of water out of his mouth and it hits Dan right in the face.  
  
"Oh, you should not have done that," Dan says.  
  
He’s about to move to lie on his back and totally drench Phil by kicking his legs, but then he hears his Mum’s voice calling his name.  
  
"Oh crap," he mutters.  
  
He turns to look and tries to figure out how the hell he’s going to get out and back to the hut without his mum realising he’s been swimming. When he looks back at Phil to ask for advice, Phil’s gone.  
  
"Phil?" Dan calls out.  
  
He swims over to the rocks and climbs up onto them, grabbing his t shirt and shorts and almost tripping again in the hurry to get dressed.  
  
His Mum looks like she’s about to start blowing steam out of her ears like a cartoon. “Daniel James Howell, tell me you haven’t been swimming when the red flags are out? You could have seriously hurt yourself, how irresponsible are you?”  
  
"I’m sorry - I fell in. I was on the edge of the rocks and I slipped."  
  
"But your clothes stayed dry?"  
  
Dan looks down at himself and then he’s stumped, and he thinks of Phil’s fingers tight on his wrist and his blue eyes and when he looks back out at the sea he’s sure he sees a splash and something coming out of the water.  
  
"Are you smiling?" The anger seems to completely drop from Dan’s Mum’s face, and Dan reaches up to cover his mouth with his hand, shaking his head quickly. "Dan - it’s okay, I want you to smile. I want you to enjoy your holiday. You’re just - I haven’t seen you smile in a long time."  
  
"I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to swim but then Phil said - "  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Phil. He’s like - um, a kid staying nearby."  
  
Dan’s Mum raises her eyebrows. “Oh. Maybe you can invite Phil round to dinner sometime?”  
  
"He probably won’t be able to," Dan says. "But I’ll let him know the offers open."  
  
**

Dan goes out onto the beach straight after dinner the next day and he crawls over the rocks and then settles down, dangling his legs in the water because today it’s sunny and the flags aren’t up. He’s been swimming all day, wondering if Phil will re-appear and he hasn’t seen him yet, but it has been busy on the beach and maybe Phil’s scared.  
  
Dan plugs his earphones in and looks out at the horizon, chewing on his bottom lip. There’s a part of him that wonders if Phil’s going to come back, or if yesterday was it, and the idea of never seeing Phil again makes him feel really sad, even though they hardly know each other at all. Dan bites back a smile when he sees Phil’s tail coming right up out of the water and crashing down. He watches as Phil flips and loops and then dives underwater and after a few seconds he appears in front of Dan, trying to catch his breath.  
  
Dan takes out his earphones. “Still a show off,” he mutters.  
  
"Still cute."  
  
Dan rolls his eyes and Phil’s smile is huge and bright. “You coming swimming, Dan? Or am I gonna have to drag you in?”  
  
"Why did you leave last night?" Dan asks.  
  
He starts getting undressed, smiling when Phil averts his eyes again.  
  
"I’m not meant to be up here - if someone sees me I could get in trouble, I could also get like hunted and killed, experimented on. I don’t know - maybe eaten."  
  
"I wouldn’t do that."  
  
"Oh I know _you_ wouldn’t. I trust you. I don’t trust anyone else, especially adults.”  
  
Dan glances up at Phil and smiles because he thinks he understands, and he also thinks Phil’s right, humans would do all sorts of horrible things. He’s watched enough alien films to know that. Not that Phil’s an alien, although Dan supposes in a way he is.  
  
"You can trust me," Dan says with a nod and Phil smiles, looking down.  
  
"I know I can."

Phil becomes the highlight of Dan’s summer, and maybe one of the best things that’s happened to him in a long time. They spend hours and hours swimming every evening, and Dan goes back to the hut out of breath, with wrinkled fingers. He doesn’t want the two weeks to end, he doesn’t want to go back to Reading and leave Phil behind.  
  
"There’s no way you can come with me is there?" Dan asks.  
  
Phil shakes his head. “I can’t magic that.”  
  
"I can’t come with you?"  
  
"You won’t be able to come back." Phil bites hard on his bottom lip and Dan sighs.  
  
"I’ll miss you, like a lot."  
  
"I’ll miss you too, Dan, but I’ll see you next summer yeah?"  
  
"Promise?"  
  
Phil smiles and he reaches to press his thumb to the dimple in Dan’s cheek. “Cross my heart.”  
  
**

Dan counts down the days, marking them off with little crosses on his calendar. He writes letters to Phil, even though he knows he can’t send them. He tells Phil about how he might have to stop taking guitar lessons because his parents can’t afford it, and about how they’ve decided on a name for his brother, and then after Dan’s brother’s born he writes letters about how he’s still in the hospital because he wanted to come out too early and he isn’t very well. He writes about the kids at school who take the piss out of Dan’s curly hair and the fact he’s shy, and Placebo’s new album. And Phil probably won’t even care about half this stuff, but Dan feels good knowing he has someone to talk to, even if Phil’s not saying anything back.  
  
**

Then in July, a month after Dan turns ten, they go back to the beach with his baby brother. His parents were unsure they could go. Dan kept hearing them discussing it and he was trying to figure out how to get to Bournemouth on his own because there was no way he was going to wait a whole other year. But then they decided they could, because Dan’s brother was okay and Dan had to try and contain his excitement.  
  
He sits up on the rocks after dinner and closes his eyes, feeling the heat from the sun on his face.  
  
"Hey stranger."  
  
Dan’s eyes snap open.  
  
"How’s it going?" Phil asks. He grins and flicks his hair from his eyes, and Dan smiles.  
  
He pulls his t shirt up over his head and lowers himself into the water. “It’s going good now, how are you?”  
  
"Good now," Phil repeats. He nods and Dan feels himself blush when Phil’s thumb presses to his dimple again, his hand is still freezing. It’s kind of weird how something that makes him shiver can also make him feel so warm from his toes right to the top of his head.  
  
"Missed you," Dan says. He lets out a shaky breath and he wants to tell Phil everything but right now he just wants to swim for a bit because swimming helps him to forget and it calms him down and when he’s with Phil it also makes him laugh.  
  
"Missed you right back."

They spend all evening swimming back and forth between the rocks and splashing each other and Dan laughs until his sides are hurting.  
  
"I think my Mum thinks I made you up, " Dan says and Phil lies back, holding his arms out either side of his body, the tips of the fins at the end of his tail poking up out of the water.  
  
"She’ll have to keep on thinking that."  
  
"But Phil, I’ve never like had a proper friend and they want to meet you."  
  
Phil’s upright again and his blue eyes are wide. “You told them about me?”  
  
"I left out the thing about you being a merman," Dan admits and Phil lets out a breath, closing his eyes.  
  
"Don’t mention me again, yeah? Promise?"  
  
Dan swallows and watches Phil opening his eyes, staring straight at him without a hint of a smile. It isn’t an expression Dan likes on Phil.  
  
"Yeah, I promise," he says.  
  
"Okay - come on." Phil grabs hold of Dan’s wrist and starts dragging him farther out and as they swim his fingers drop to grab hold of Dan’s fingers. Dan knows it’s just to keep him safe because Phil’s fourteen and Phil’s really beautiful and Phil probably has a girlfriend, but Dan still feels something like a shock run through him at the contact.  
  
"Do you know what happens to people who fall in love with mermaids?" Phil asks when they stop moving. The water this far out feels colder. Phil isn’t looking Dan in the eye, and Dan looks back at the beach where he can hardly see the beach hut any more.  
  
"No," Dan says.  
  
Phil licks over his lips and looks back up at Dan and Dan can’t breathe for a second because Phil’s staring at him so intently. “They drown,” Phil says.  
  
Dan feels Phil’s grip on his hand tighten. He’s chewing on his lip and Dan doesn’t know what he’s meant to say, because he’s not in love with Phil. He thinks Phil’s lovely to look at and great to be around, but he doesn’t _love_ him.  
  
"Mermaids try and make humans fall in love with them and then drag them underwater and kill them, it’s just - it’s what we do, so you can’t fall in love with me, okay? You can’t do that."  
  
Dan shakes his head. “I won’t. I don’t - you’re kind of older than me.”  
  
Phil laughs. “That’s the thing you’re focusing on? Not the fact I’m a mermaid, or _I’m a boy_. But I’m fourteen and you’re ten. When we’re both older that will hardly matter.”  
  
Dan thinks about twenty and twenty four or twenty two and twenty six and he nods. “I won’t fall in love with you though. Don’t flatter yourself.” Dan grins at Phil’s raised eyebrows and then Phil looks up at the stars, letting out a breath, like he’s relieved, and Dan can’t take his eyes off of him.  
  
"It’s gotta be mutual anyway. That’s not gonna happen, you’re not even the same species as me," Phil mutters and Dan laughs.

"Where have you been?" Dan’s Mum asks when Dan gets back to the hut a few hours later.  
  
Dan looks down at his wet clothes and then he raises his eyebrows. “Swimming. It’s kind of obvious that I’ve been swimming, isn’t it?” he says.  
  
"You can’t keep disappearing, you’re swimming out too far. I need you here to look after Adrian sometimes, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
"Who are you even with, Dan? I can’t see anyone out there when I look, who are you spending all your time with?"  
  
Dan thinks about the promise he made to Phil and he looks down at his feet. His shoes are covered in wet sand and he’s trailed footsteps into the hut that he’ll have to clean up in a minute. “I’m on my own,” he says and his Mum sighs.  
  
**  
  
"Do you have a best friend?" Phil asks and Dan shakes his head.  
  
"I think you’re my best one, like you’re my favourite friend," Dan says. Probably his only friend, because as he gets older school only gets tougher and everyone seems to find something wrong with Dan to pick out and laugh at.  
  
Phil smiles. “Really? You’re my favourite one too.”  
  
Dan closes his eyes and listens to Phil breathing. “I write you letters,” he says.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I wish I could send them, but that’s kind of impossible considering you live in a land underwater and the ink would probably run. " Dan smiles when Phil laughs. "But I like - having someone to talk to I guess. I’m kind of lonely sometimes."  
  
"You should never be lonely. You’re too cute to be lonely."  
  
"Oh my God, stop calling me cute."  
  
Standing too close to Phil makes Dan’s heart speed up, that’s something he’s learnt this year. He’s also learnt that swimming right to the middle of the ocean isn’t scary when there’s someone he trusts holding tightly to his hand. Sometimes it feels like Dan and Phil are in a bubble, there are moments when Dan thinks the whole world could fall apart around them and they’d be safe in this bubble and they probably wouldn’t even notice anything was amiss.  
  
His face is inches from Phil’s right now and then Phil swallows and backs away. “You are cute though, and I always tell the truth. Mermaids can’t lie,” Phil says with a smile  
  
I don’t want to go home,” Dan says, seeing as they’re telling the truth right now and it’s the only thing he can think about.  
  
"You gotta go home though, Dan."  
  
Phil reaches out his thumb and Dan just grabs his hand before he can press his finger to Dan’s dimple. Dan squeezes Phil’s fingers and he isn’t going to cry because he’s ten years old and he isn’t a baby anymore.  
  
**

Dan’s next year at school is horrible. He thought the bullying used to be bad, but now he’s at secondary school and boys are pulling his hair in the changing rooms and trying to trip him up in the corridors. He spends his lunch breaks in the library writing notes to Phil about the books he’s studying and the films he’s seen with his parents. His brother’s first word is ‘dog’ and he’s starting to walk, and Dan’s about to turn eleven, and he misses Phil so much sometimes that it feels like a physical ache in his chest.  
  
He’s in Biology before the teacher arrives and he’s writing a letter to Phil, when someone snatches it off his desk and he freezes, his stomach flipping when Jack starts to read it out with a terrible imitation of Dan’s voice.  
  
“‘Dear Phil, I hope all’s good where you are right now. Sometimes I really wish you could read these letters because I really need someone to talk to’ - writing love notes to your boyfriend, Dan?”  
  
"Give it back," Dan says quietly. He can feel a heavy weight in his stomach now and when he glances up everyone is looking at him.  
  
"What if I don’t want to?"  
  
"Give it back," Dan repeats, louder. He can hear himself breathing heavily and Jack looks at him for a moment. Then he holds the letter up so Dan can see and he tears it right down the middle. Dan sees red. He has no idea what even comes over him but he’s lunging towards Jack’s desk and pushing him right out of his chair so they land in a heap on the floor.  
  
"Get off of me," Jack yells but Dan gets him pinned to the ground and he raises his fist. Then the door swings open and he looks up to see their teacher, Mr. Green, watching them both.  
  
"Both of you, head teachers office now," he says firmly. Jack shoves Dan away from him and Dan’s still panting, trying to catch his breath.  
  
  
  
"I never in my life thought I’d be called to school because you got in a fight, Dan. What the hell happened?" Dan’s Dad asks, keeping his eyes on the road.  
  
Dan looks out of the window, watching the white lines on the road start to blur. He shrugs and his Dad looks like he’s really going to start losing his temper. “I was writing a letter and he tore it up and I got really angry,” Dan says.  
  
"A letter? To who?"  
  
"To Phil - he’s this kid I know from holiday."  
  
"You don’t know anyone on holiday. Me and your Mother are always trying to get you to talk to other kids, but you spend all day on your own. Dan - if somethings wrong you’ve gotta tell me."  
  
"Nothing’s wrong. Jack’s just an arsehole and someone needs to punch him in the face."  
  
"Don’t swear."  
  
"Arsehole isn’t a swear word, Dad, it’s a part of your body."  
  
"Don’t talk back to me. You’ve been acting out ever since your brother was born, it’s about time you grew up."  
  
Dan slouches down in his chair, staring ahead of him and blinking hard when he feels tears burn in his eyes. It’s totally backwards and stupid that he’s being suspended over this when Jack started it and Jack’s been making his life a living hell for almost a whole year.  
  
When he gets home, he runs upstairs and slams his bedroom door as loudly as he can, rolling his eyes when he hears his brother start crying. He holds his hands over his ears, squeezing his eyes shut as he slides down his door and onto his floor. He has a feeling that what happened today is only going to make life ten times harder for him, and now, after what Jack said, people know or suspect that he likes boys and he feels sick when he thinks about that. He can cope with people picking on him for his hair or his clothes or for being quiet, because he can change those things but he can’t change the fact he likes boys.

"You’re a bit old for an imaginary friend, Dan," Dan’s Mum says over dinner. Dan’s been scraping the batter off his cod since they sat down, because he isn’t hungry. He still feels ill.  
  
"He isn’t imaginary."  
  
"Why have we never met him then?"  
  
"Because he’s a mermaid," Dan says and he hears his Dad slam his cutlery down on the table.  
  
"Do you think you’re being funny?" he asks Dan.  
  
Dan closes his eyes and his throat feels tight, his chest hurts with the effort it’s taking not to cry. “No,” he whispers.  
  
"Don’t shout at him, he’s crying," Dan’s Mum hisses.  
  
"No, I’m _not_. I’m not a baby,” Dan mutters. He swallows and blinks hard, glaring up at his Mum.  
  
"Stop bloody acting like one then," his Dad says.  
  
Dan sniffs and pulls his sleeve over his hand, wiping over his eyes. He eats a few mouthfuls and then excuses himself, but he still doesn’t cry. He leans over his desk and draws a little cross on his calendar and then he takes a deep breath and pulls his book out of his school bag before lying down on his bed. He has four weeks left.  
  
**  
  
Phil’s fifteen now, and his hair is longer and his shoulders seem wider and his smile still makes Dan forget about every bad thing that has ever happened to him.  
  
"Your hair’s different," Phil says.  
  
Dan lifts his hand to touch his hair. “Oh. I straighten it now.”  
  
Phil frowns. “I like it better when it’s curly.”  
  
"Well, that makes one of you."  
  
"You shouldn’t change your hair to make other people like you."  
  
Dan narrows his eyes. “I don’t do anything to make other people comfortable, I don’t give a damn what other people think.”  
  
Phil smiles. “Yeah I know you don’t.”  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"Well I have been watching you every year - shit, no, that sounds creepy. I mean looking out for you, because you came down to the rocks a lot on your own and I didn’t want you to get hurt." Phil flushes and looks down like he’s embarrassed to meet Dan’s eyes.  
  
"Thank you," Dan says. "For looking out for me."  
  
Phil nods. “You’re welcome.”  
  
Dan feels calm and settled at the beach. Just looking out at the waves makes him feel like he can breathe easily for the first time in a long time. He feels Phil’s fingers on his face, pushing his hair back from his eyes and his first reaction is to flinch away so Phil drops his hand.  
  
"Are you okay, Dan?"  
  
Dan just nods, pressing his lips together. He kind of wants to swim a bit closer but he’s half scared someone from school is going to come running over out of nowhere, yelling things at him in front of Phil.  
  
"Let’s just swim," Dan says.  
  
  
  
Phil asks questions and nods along when Dan answers, like he actually cares, and it takes a day or so for Dan to feel comfortable again, to remember that Phil _does_ care. Phil laughs at Dan’s bad jokes and sometimes his fingers brush over Dan’s arm and Dan feels the touch burning through him.  
  
They spend the next two weeks talking and swimming and playing games, and Dan decides he wants everything he ever does to be with Phil. He wants Phil to come back to Reading and come to school with him and it isn’t fair. Dan can almost hear his Dad’s voice in his head _life’s not fair, Daniel_ , like saying that is meant to make Dan feel better or something, life might be unfair but Dan still has a right to complain about it if he wants.  
  
Dan doesn’t have any other friends, not really, everyone at school knows that going near him means they’re going to become as much of a loser as he is. They’ll also have to eat their lunch in a toilet stall and hold their breath every time they turn a corner in case people are waiting there to shout things at them. At least Phil doesn’t have to worry about that, Dan thinks he’d die if someone ever made Phil feel that small.  
  
"We’re still best friends right?" Dan asks. Phil has lifted himself up onto the rocks because the beach is empty and the sun is behind him, his shadow stretched out on the water. It all makes him look even more beautiful than he already is.  
  
"Of course we are, always," Phil says.  
  
"And next year, we’ll just like pick up again like we haven’t been apart?"  
  
"Yeah, and every year until you’re too old."  
  
Dan blinks. “Too old?”  
  
Phil smiles and shrugs. “You’ll have more important things in your life then, Dan. You just will.”  
  
Dan wants to argue, he’s angry that Phil thinks this is temporary, that Phil’s accepted that Dan’s just not going to visit after a certain point, because Dan can’t picture life without Phil. But he doesn’t want to argue, they have such a small amount of time together and he just wants good memories, happy memories to think about when he’s locked up in his room or when someone cycles past him and shoves him over so he goes home covered in mud.  
  
**

The next summer they’re twelve and sixteen and Dan walks straight into the water, basically throwing himself at Phil and hugging him. “I missed you too much,” he mutters.  
  
"You too," Phil says. He tries prying Dan off but then just laughs when Dan holds onto him tighter. They fall back together, just like Phil said, like they were never apart.  
  
The stars are out, it’s one of those nights where they’re really, really clear and Dan hardly ever sees them like this at home.  
  
"That’s the ursa major," Dan says, tracing the pattern with his finger. "It’s meant to be like a bear? But I don’t know - I don’t see it personally."  
  
"I do," Phil says softly.  
  
Dan looks down at him, smiling at the look on Phil’s face. “I’d love to go to space,” Dan says.  
  
"Yeah, that could be fun."  
  
Dan shivers and Phil draws him closer without saying a word, wrapping his arms around Dan’s shoulders and holding him tighter. Dan wants to say thank you, but he isn’t sure he can even begin to explain what he’s thanking Phil for.  
  
He nuzzles his nose against Phil’s neck and closes his eyes, and they stay there for a while just breathing together, like Phil knows Dan doesn’t want to talk he just wants to feel safe. He just wants to forget everything for a bit and feel Phil all around him.  
  
**  
  
His parents still think he’s making Phil up, and now he’s twelve and they mutter about it and Dan hears them talking when they think he’s asleep about how they should maybe get Dan some help, and how his grades are bad and is he being bullied? Dan’s not sure why they can’t talk _to him_ , if he’s too old for imaginary friends then surely he’s old enough to know that they’re worried about him.  
  
Dan looks down at the sand on his shoes and kicks them off at the door, and his parents fall silent.  
  
"Way to be obvious," Dan says.  
  
"Where have you been?" his Dad asks.  
  
"Star gazing, you seen ‘em tonight? Really pretty." Dan thinks about Phil’s arms around his shoulders and smiles to himself.  
  
"On your own?"  
  
Dan nods. “Yeah.”  
  
He rolls his eyes when his parents look at each other pointedly, as if they don’t know he’s right there in the room and can see them, and knows they’ve been talking about him.  
  
  
  
He spends the next few evenings sitting on the rocks and asking Phil questions that he never really thought about asking before. What do mermaids eat? _Smaller fish, obviously, but also plants, and it’s pretty easy to get hold of human food when we want it._ Where do mermaids live? _So far down that even human’s best technology couldn’t find it_. Is there mermaid school? _Yes, and it’s every bit as horrific as human school._  
  
"How do mermaids  - um." Dan looks up at the sky, breathing out a laugh. "Do you have sex?" he asks.  
  
Phil shakes his head and Dan pulls a face. “You don’t even like, get off? I mean, you don’t have that stuff so I suppose not.”  
  
Phil raises his eyebrows. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  
  
"Oh man, that sucks."  
  
Phil looks totally blank and Dan laughs again. “How do you reproduce then?”  
  
"We’re magic, Dan. I can touch you and you can float on water, I can hear you calling me when I’m thousands of metres under the sea My DNA is half fish and half human, and you wanna know how I make babies?"  
  
Dan blinks. “Oh. Well, when you put it like that.”  
  
"If a merperson wants a kid, they get a kid. They just have to want it enough and do things that prove they’d be a good parent and bam, merbaby."  
  
"Wow." Dan imagines that being a reality for humans and all the issues it could combat at once.  
  
Phil lets out a soft laugh and shakes his head at Dan’s reaction, lying back and Dan just stares at him, at the way the sun, now dipping under the horizon, is making Phil’s skin look like it’s glowing and God, he’s beautiful.  
  
**  
  
"I’m a waste of space," Dan mutters. He can feel a lump in his throat and he looks up, blinking to clear the tears from his eyes.  
  
"I think you’re like the best use of space ever - there’s no better way to use space than to put you in it."  
  
Dan manages to smile despite the fact he feels like he might start crying at any minute. Dan’s fourteen and Phil’s seventeen, and everything’s _too much._  
  
A few weeks ago Dan was in the library and somebody had slammed his book closed, it had caught his lip and made it bleed, and Dan gets angry too quickly. He had thrown the book at whoever it was, and just screamed, which in a library is obviously frowned upon. _He_ was the one being punished, _he_ was the one who as being sent to god damn anger management sessions and he can’t even tell his parents he’s being picked on, that he was provoked.  
  
They’ll ask why or they’ll tell him to stand up for himself or to ignore it, and Dan can’t do any of those things.  
  
"That’s sweet," Dan says to Phil now and he rubs his hands over his eyes. It’s windy and Dan’s hair is too long at the moment, it whips around his face and gets in his eyes so Phil keeps reaching to push it back into place, tucking it behind Dan’s ear.  
  
"I wish I could stop bad things from happening to you," Phil says.  
  
Dan sniffs. “Bad things happen to everyone, that’s a part of living, I guess.”  
  
"But the thought of people hurting you makes me really angry."  
  
"It makes me angry too, that’s why I gotta go to these classes where we do stupid breathing exercises and talk about our feelings." Dan rolls his eyes.  
  
"You’re okay, you know?" Phil says quietly.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"It’s okay - to like boys, there’s nothing wrong with you."  
  
"I don’t like boys," Dan mutters because that’s his first reaction every time, to deny it and to lie because he can’t accept it as the truth.  
  
Phil smiles softly and Dan wants to roll his eyes when Phil presses his finger where Dan’s dimple should be, but it isn’t there because Dan isn’t smiling and Phil waits. “But if you did, it would be okay. No ones immune to my charms in the end.”  
  
Dan smiles and then he swears because Phil’s grinning at him like he’s beat Dan at a card game.  
  
"You’re charming I guess, but also totally full of yourself and I prefer modesty in a guy." Dan swallows when he realises what he’s said and it’s probably the first time he’s really let himself talk about it. He feels like he can with Phil, and Phil’s smile only grows.  
  
  
  
Dan honestly thinks exams and school stress and cute boys and all of that should be left until after he’s dealt with just being a teenager, because that’s hard enough without school, and it seems hardly fair that he has to deal with all of it at once.  
  
There’s a guy in his class who pierced his lip with a needle and half an apple, and who has these streaked blonde highlights and an Irish accent and Dan’s so far gone. He’s not Phil obviously, no one’s quite that beautiful, but Stephen sits two desks in front of Dan in English and Dan gets a great view of his profile every time he turns around. Now he’s fourteen and people still pick on him but not so much for the gay thing, and maybe it’s because Stephen’s gay and he’s really cool and plays guitar in a band and has a pet snake. Everyone likes Stephen.  
  
Dan meets him by the bike sheds after school and they share cigarettes and Dan thinks they could date, Dan could date an actual human being boy and be semi-normal for once in his life. One day after school Stephen presses Dan back against the wall and kisses him, and it’s a bit gross. It’s all tongue and Dan feels absolutely nothing at all.  
  
  
  
"Can I kiss you?" he asks Phil.  
  
Phil eyes Dan carefully and then shakes his head. “The whole don’t fall in love with me thing still stands.”  
  
"I’m not in love with you, you definitely don’t have to be in love with someone to kiss them. You don’t even have to love someone to fuck them."  
  
"You’re a bit young," Phil says. He’s eighteen. It still feels like a huge gap, and Dan sighs, lying back against the rocks. He sits up again when he realises how uncomfortable it is, and Phil smiles, blinking at Dan with bright blue eyes that Dan can’t help but notice look a little sad.  
  
"Can I tell you something?" Dan asks.  
  
"You can tell me anything."  
  
"I honestly don’t know how I’d have got this far through school without you. I owe you."  
  
Phil swallows and Dan turns his head to look at him and smile. “You don’t owe me anything,” Phil says, shaking his head, “You’re my best friend in the world, you always will be.”  
  
**  
Dan could audition for the school play, he could and he’d be great at it and he already knows a lot of A Midsummer night’s dream off my heart because he fucking loves that play. But when he mentions it to Stephen, Stephen just looks at him for a really long time and then laughs.  
  
"That would do wonders for you at school, mate," he says. "Bouncing around on stage playing a fairy and reciting Shakespeare? Why would that be a good idea? You’re handing Jack your head on a plate."  
  
Dan swallows and nods because duh. He still wants to kick himself when the auditions roll around and he knows for a fact he could do it better than anyone else in the school.  
  
  
  
"You look older," Phil says and Dan crosses his arms around himself.  
  
"Well, I am, Phil. I’m a year older, that’s how linear time works."  
  
"Still a sarcastic little shit, I see."  
  
"Always." Dan cracks a smile because he can’t help it and things feel a bit crap, but Phil’s here now and things could be worse. "Do mermaids have alcohol?" He’s off again with ridiculous questions, some of which Phil doesn’t even really know the answer to. Phil’s nineteen now and he’s definitely getting broader, there’s hair on his chest and muscles in his arms. Dan’s not staring. Not that much any way.  
  
"Do you have a girlfriend yet?" Dan asks.  
  
"Nope." Phil shakes his head and he doesn’t look at Dan.  
  
"Boyfriend?"  
  
Phil smiles and shakes his head again. “Nope, I haven’t got an anyfriend, I don’t think I want one either.”  
  
"I have a boyfriend."  
  
Phil’s head snaps up and he purses his lips, but then just flicks his hair from his face. “Oh. Cool.”  
  
"He’s a twat. He’s just - he’s an absolute fucking bastard, Phil, and he makes me so unhappy." Dan shrugs.  
  
"Why are you going out with him then?"  
  
"Because he makes me feel safe, and - I wouldn’t have anyone without him, so like in the long run it’s worth it. I think."  
  
Dan pulls himself up onto the rocks and starts searching through his jeans pockets for the cigarette he stole from his Mum’s purse and he tries to ignore the way Phil’s watching him.  
  
"That’s not good enough, you deserve the fucking world," Phil says quietly, and Dan feels like he can’t breathe for a second. He looks down at Phil and Phil looks up at the sky. His lips are still pursed and his nose wrinkled, like he’s just seen something disgusting.  
  
"Excuse me?" Dan whispers.  
  
"Come back in the water? Don’t be boring," Phil says. He looks at Dan and Dan can tell he isn’t going to repeat himself. The moments gone and Dan forgets that he needs a smoke and just slides back into the water.  
  
"I missed you," Dan says.  
  
"I know. I missed you too."  
  
Dan reaches out to take Phil’s hand in his and Phil tightens his grip, holding on to him.  
  
Dan thinks there’s the type of love that makes you feel safe, and then there’s the kind of love that makes you feel alive. It makes you feel like you’re fucking flying and that nothing can bring you down, and everything looks so beautiful from up there. And Dan would rather feel alive than safe.  
  
  
  
Dan gets caught with his hand in his Mum’s hand bag, trying to find cigarettes, and she tries to ban him from going out to the rocks to see Phil, but that’s laughable and Dan has to force himself not to roll his eyes while she shouts. Stephen gets him cigarettes at school, Stephen isn’t around in the summer and how else is he going to get them? His Mum can hardly tell him to stop smoking when she’s on a pack a day.  
  
He sneaks out when everyone’s asleep, which is near impossible when the whole hut is one fucking room. He glances up when he hears Adrian moving in his bed. Dan holds his finger to his lips and looks at his brother in a pleading way, and Adrian just watches silently as Dan leaves and starts running down the beach.  
  
"Phil," he calls out. He looks out over the horizon and he can feel his stomach sinking because Phil might have turned up earlier today and thought Dan didn’t want to see him. There’s no movement and tears are blurring Dan’s vision. He doesn’t know why he wants to cry, there’s nothing to cry over. It just feels like he’s suffocating.  
  
"Phil, please. Fucking hell, come on," he whispers. It’s silent and then Dan hears a splash and his head snaps up as Phil comes up to the surface.  
  
"What’s wrong?" Phil asks.Dan isn’t really thinking about anything, as usual, when he pulls his t shirt over his head and starts unbuckling his jeans, kicking off his shoes and then making his way towards Phil when he’s in just his boxers.  
  
"Dan?" Phil asks. Dan just walks straight into the water until he’s opposite Phil and they stand for a moment, just breathing together. Phil’s lips are parted and then Dan moves and he crashes into him, his arms moving around Phil’s neck as he licks past Phil’s lips and he can feel Phil’s hands in his hair, tugging him closer. Dan can feel heat everywhere they touch. He feels like he’s fucking drowning. He can’t breathe, it’s like he’s swallowed too much water, and when he pulls away Phil reaches to run his thumb under Dan’s eye and catch a tear.  
  
"I’m sorry," Dan whispers.  
  
Phil doesn’t say anything for what feels like a really time, and then he moves forward to kiss Dan again and Dan knows this is how it’s meant to feel, it’s meant to make the hair on the back of his neck stand up and damn it, Phil’s a good kisser. He knows exactly what he’s doing when he licks over Dan’s bottom lip and Dan feels his hands tightening in his hair, their chests pressed flush to each others.

Dan opens his mouth as he pulls away but then Phil clamps his hand over Dan’s lips. “Don’t say it, God Dan, don’t fucking say it, please.”  
  
He takes his hand away and Dan just stares at him, watching Phil blink, his eyes almost entirely black.  
  
"Shit," Dan whispers.  
  
"You’ve gotta go," Phil says. "Just like - just leave, Dan."  
  
Dan pulls himself up onto the rocks, and he can feel his heart in his throat. He’s shivering now and he isn’t sure if he’s cold or scared.  
  
"I don’t want to just leave," he whispers.  
  
"I don’t care what you want - get the hell away from me."Dan can’t take his eyes off of Phil as he grabs his clothes and Phil brings his hand up to cover his mouth like he’s hiding his teeth. Then Phil dives under the water and Dan lets out the breath he was holding. His lips still feel numb and he doesn’t move for a while, standing there on the rocks in just his boxers, shivering, but then he starts putting his clothes back on and walks back to the hut.  
  
  
  
Phil isn’t by the rocks the next day, or the next, and by the third day Dan’s really panicking. He can hardly breathe, and then he’s just angry. He stands on the rocks and he screams Phil’s name until his voice is cracking, and he can’t understand what he did wrong. He sits down and all he can hear is his Mum telling him he has an imaginary friend and Jack telling him he has an imaginary boyfriend, and he hits his fist against the rock until his knuckles are bleeding.  
  
"Don’t cry, don’t fucking cry," he mutters to himself.  
  
He pulls his t shirt over his head and looks down at the water, shaking a bit because it’s so dark and the waves are crashing. If he puts himself in danger, Phil will keep him safe. Sometimes Dan really needs to think things through better. He holds his arms above his head and dives into the water, swimming right under the surface and holding his breath.  
  
He keeps swimming, going deeper and it doesn’t take long before he starts feeling light headed. His fingers hit the sand and he can’t hear anything apart from the sound of his heart speeding up.  
  
Then there are fingers gripping hold of him and he feels himself being lifted back to the surface of the water. He breathes in and splutters, choking, as Phil shakes him. “What the hell are you doing?” Phil yells. “Are you fucking crazy?”  
  
"Where have you been?" Dan asks. He gasps when he feels Phil’s hand slap against his cheek and for a second he’s dazed, before lifting his eyes to look at Phil, who looks furious. It’s not an expression Dan’s ever seen on Phil’s face, it’s a lot worse than when he asked to introduce Phil to his parents. Then Phil opens his mouth then, his eyes going wide.  
  
"I’m so sorry, I just - don’t do that. You scared me," he says.  
  
"I missed you, you can’t just leave and not say good bye. You can’t just do that," Dan says. He lifts his hand to his cheek, still trying to recover from the shock.  
  
"I’m sorry," Phil says again.  
  
"Where have you been?" Dan repeats.  
  
"Dan, I can’t do this - you know that, I made it really clear that we couldn’t fall in love. I will kill you, do you not get that?"  
  
"I don’t think my life is worth living without you."  
  
Phil looks like he might slap Dan again, his fingers on Dan’s waist dig in a little. “Don’t you dare say that, you’re amazing. You’re going to do really amazing things, you are so much more than just my best friend.”  
  
"But - "  
  
"But nothing. Don’t but me." Phil smiles and when he lifts his hand to press his thumb to the dimple in Dan’s cheek, Dan feels his mouth going dry and tears burn in his eyes because this is them saying good bye and he can’t deal with that.  
  
"You’ll always be my best friend," Phil whispers.  
  
Dan nods. “You’ll always be mine too.”  
  
He holds his breath, biting into his lip as Phil moves back, dropping his hands. Phil opens his mouth like he wants to say something, but then he thinks better of it and just smiles sadly before he dives under the surface and Dan squeezes his eyes shut, letting out a shuddering breath. When he opens his eyes, he sees Phil’s tail come up out of the water, and then he’s gone.

ii.  
  
Life would be a lot easier for Phil if there weren’t all these ridiculous rules he has to stick to. There’s a certain distance he can go towards the surface before he’s breaking like one hundred different laws at once, and he’s so lucky he had friends to cover for him when he was a teenager and swimming up to see Dan for two weeks every summer. Dan has no idea what he risked to go and see him, not that Phil wouldn’t totally do it all over again.  
  
He isn’t sure exactly how long it’s been, he just knows he still thinks of Dan too much, still dreams of him. And one night he swears he can feel him, but it’s so faint that it’s instantly obvious to Phil that there’s no pull, not like before. When a human falls in love with a mermaid, the mermaid feels it all the time, it had been near unbearable before.  
  
"Louise," Phil whispers.  
  
"I’m asleep, Phil. What?"  
  
"I’m going to the surface, cover for me?"  
  
Louise sits up and for a second her expression is clouded by blonde and pink hair before she pushes it out of her face. “Are you kidding? I am not covering for you, we’re not sixteen any more.”  
  
"Louise, please."  
  
"You owe me," Louise says.     
  
"Thank you. I do owe you, I will make this up to you." Phil starts to snap his tail, moving upwards and he keeps going until he can see the moon making patterns on the surface of the water. His lungs ache when he finally reaches the top. Grabbing hold of the rocks, he pulls himself up and his breath catches in his throat.  
  
Dan’s sitting on the rocks, right where he used to be when they were younger. He has his knees drawn to his chest and from where Phil is, it looks like he’s crying. The sun is on Dan’s cheeks, and they’re wet with tears. Phil feels nervous for some reason, he wonders if Dan remembers him, if Dan even _wants_ to see him. He watches, holding his breath, as Dan glances up.

The water moves around Phil, and it reflects off of Dan’s face, casting shadows stretched out across the sea below the rocks. And Dan’s beautiful. Phil’s hand slips on the rock he’s holding and splashes against the water, and Dan’s head snaps towards him.  
  
"Hello?" Dan calls out, his voice sounding thick with tears. "Is someone out there?" Phil bites his lip, moving to peer between two rocks. He watches Dan scramble to his feet and a nervous flutter spreads through him.  
  
Dan clears his throat. “Phil?” Phil sees Dan roll his eyes, and he feels his teeth sink deeper into his lip. “Is that you?” Dan asks, quieter.  
  
Dan turns and then his eyes meet Phil’s and Phil freezes. Dan smiles, looking like he can’t quite believe he’s seeing Phil in front of him. Really, Phil should dive straight under right now, he shouldn’t be here, but Dan’s eyes are wet and his hands are shaking at his sides, and Phil can’t run from this, he can’t do that again.  
  
"Hey stranger," Dan says breathlessly.  
  
"Hi," Phil says.  
  
"I thought I made you up." Dan rubs his eyes, like he’s just remembered he’s been crying, and he thinks Phil hasn’t noticed. "How long have you been there?" Dan asks.  
  
"Not long," Phil says.  
  
"Are you going to stay behind that rock? Because I’d like to properly see you - I missed you."  
  
"I nearly drowned you," Phil mutters.  
  
Dan shakes his head. “No, you didn’t. I trusted you - I _trust_ you.”  
  
"I wouldn’t trust me, I’m kind of a monster."  
  
"You’re not a monster, you’re my best friend."  
  
Phil closes his eyes, and he can hear the waves and Dan breathing, and the thud of his own heart in his ears. He remembers that they promised that, that they’d always be best friends, but he feels different. It makes sense that it feels different, it’s been years, and Dan’s grown up so much. Phil’s grown up too.  
  
"Do you wanna come swimming?" Dan asks, cutting through Phil’s thoughts and Phil looks up as Dan pulls his t shirt over his head.  
  
He isn’t sure if he should look away or not, but he finds that he can’t. Dan strips down to his boxers and then dives off of the rocks. He reemerges next to Phil, flicking his wet fringe from his face.  
  
Phil looks at the wetness in Dan’s eyes and the way his hair is curling on the ends, and he thinks of nine year old Dan tripping on the rocks, and Phil was never meant to talk to him, but he had to make sure he was okay. Each year Phil knew he wasn’t meant to be doing this, but he was falling for Dan and it’s been _years_ , he thought he was over this, but it’s all come back like - well, like a slap in the face.  
  
  
  
There’s probably something strange about the way they just fall back into each other all over again, especially after how they parted. But that’s just what they do; it’s what they’ve always done.  
  
"You’re at university then?" Phil asks.  
  
Dan pulls a face. “I just failed a coursework module, so I’m re-taking it this summer. Maybe here, maybe I’ll write it on the beach.”  
  
"What are you studying?"  
  
Dan sighs and looks up at the stars and Phil thinks it’s probably a question a thousand family members have asked him already, and he’s probably so damn bored of answering it. “Law,” Dan says after a pause.  
  
"Not drama?"  
  
Dan rolls his eyes, but he smiles at Phil. “No, not drama. I’m not good enough to get into a drama school.”  
  
"Don’t talk yourself down, you always wanted to do drama. You were always going to be an actor," Phil says.  
  
"Things don’t always work out though, do they?"  
  
"I guess." Phil frowns. "Why - um, why are you here?" Phil asks.  
  
Dan laughs but it’s watery and he winces when he hears himself. “Because I’m lonely, and you were always there for me. I don’t know, Phil, I just feel good up here. I remember feeling happy here.”  
  
"Are you unhappy?"  
  
"Sometimes," Dan says with a shrug.  
  
"Like I said, things don’t always work out."  
  
Phil wants to reach out and touch him, brush his fringe out of his face or press his thumb into the dimple on his cheek, but he isn’t sure how close he trusts himself to get.”Stars are out tonight,” Phil says gently, looking up. He can feel Dan’s eyes on him.  
  
Dan shivers, wrapping his arms around his chest. “Please can you just keep talking? I feel really wired up and angry, and I just - need to not think,” Dan says.  
  
Phil nods and swallows, trying to find something to say. “There’s the ursa major,” he whispers. Dan shudders all over and his breath comes out shakily because he’s freezing, Phil’s sure his lips must be turning blue. “You’ll be okay,” Phil whispers. “I think you should sleep and get warm, and I’ll be here tomorrow.”  
  
Dan nods and he moves towards Phil. He pushes Phil’s hair back from his face, and Phil’s almost annoyed that his touch still feels like electricity, because he still loves Dan but he’s not sure what he is to Dan any more. He’s his best friend, and it feels crushing like someone’s grabbing and squeezing at his throat. He doesn’t want to just be Dan’s friend.  
  
**

Dan can’t sleep most nights. He comes down to see Phil and he’s got bags under his eyes and he looks  so tired, but he tells Phil that every time he tries to close his eyes he feels wide awake again. Phil watches him in the day sometimes, like he used to. Dan sits up on the rocks with his headphones on, scribbling notes and reading these huge books with long titles, that look like a struggle to carry.  
  
"I know you’re there, Phil," he says, and Phil rolls his eyes, looking around the rock he’s been attempting to hide behind.  
  
"How did you know?" he asks.  
  
"You breathe really loudly." Dan turns to look at him and smiles. Phil glances behind Dan and Dan looks too. It isn’t busy on the beach, it’s still early in the year and people aren’t on holiday yet, summer holidays haven’t started. There probably are more people than Phil feels comfortable with though so he dips down a little more.  
  
"Why are you here, watching me like a creeper?" Dan asks.  
  
"Because I like looking at you."     
  
Dan smiles, turning the page of the book on his lap. The sun beats down on him and it’s only been a few days but he’s already looking golden. “Taking that as a compliment,” he says.  
  
"It _is_ a compliment.” Phil smiles and pokes his tongue out.  
  
Dan closes his book then and he shuffles closer to Phil. “You know, I’m not that little kid any more, yeah?” Dan asks. Phil just nods, swallowing because his throat feels dry. “I got older, and I don’t think I believe in love so much now.”  
  
"You don’t believe in love?" Phil asks, and Dan laughs but Phil isn’t sure why he’s laughing.  
  
"No. I think we say it exists to give ourselves something to work towards. It’s bullshit," Dan says with a shrug.  
  
"You loved me. We can sense it, we feel it, and you definitely loved me."  
  
Dan goes quiet, watching Phil with wide eyes and then he clears his throat and looks back out at the horizon and Phil listens to himself breathing, waiting for Dan to respond with something. “I had a bit of a school boy crush on you, it’s easy to mistake that as love. I was fifteen, for Christs sake.”  
  
"I loved you," Phil says and Dan rolls his eyes. Phil takes a breath. "I love you, actually."  
  
"Doesn’t that mean you want to drown me?" Dan asks and Phil winces at the bitter tone in his voice.  
  
"It’s got to be mutual, remember?" Phil says.  
  
"That doesn’t make sense then," Dan says, and he looks at Phil. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, but he doesn’t blink, and Phil can’t figure out what he means. Again, Phil feels nervous, when there really isn’t anything to be nervous about.  
  
Dan sighs. “I just want a friend right now - I’m not looking for more than that,” he says.  
  
“Okay,” Phil watches Dan nod and then Dan reaches to push Phil’s hair from his eyes, like he wants a better view of them. He traces his fingers down over his jaw and the touch feels like it’s burning, maybe because Dan’s hands are so warm, it’s probably just because of that.  
  
  
  
Phil can make the journey from surface to his home in record time now, he’s had enough practice. The gills on his neck open so he has to stop breathing in through his mouth, and he blinks a few times as his eyes get used to the dark again.  
  
"Where the hell have you been?" Louise hisses. Phil jumps and looks up at her. "He knows, your father knows and I tried everything but he found out, Phil."  
  
"What?" Phil feels sick. He runs his hand through his hair, trying to keep as calm as possible as Louise tells him his Dad had point blank asked her and mermaids can’t lie, not face to face. They can make up stories and they can answer cryptically but as soon as they’re asked straight out they have to tell the truth, it just comes out.  
  
"He’s going to kill me," Phil says. He isn’t sure if he’s even exaggerating, he’s old enough to get away with things now. He doesn’t live at home anymore, but his Dad isn’t just his Dad. His Dad is kind of a big deal, he calls the shots. Phil really doubts he’s going to go light on Phil just because he’s his son.  
  
Phil doesn’t hear anything from his Dad all day, he isn’t sure if he should be worried about that. He isn’t sure how he should feel at all. There’s something creeping up on him. He closes his eyes and he sees Dan, and it feels like’s about to drift off when suddenly he can’t breathe. He chokes, reaching up to feel for gills on his neck and finding nothing, and then he starts to panic.  
  
He’s making enough noise that Louise hears him from the room next door, and he can tell from the look in her eyes that something is seriously wrong, but then she grabs hold of him and starts swimming upwards. When Phil tries moving his tail, all he feels below his waist is absolute agony, and it’s enough pain to cloud everything else. He thinks with a start _someones split my tail in two_ and he tries looking down, but his vision is fading. As he’s closing his eyes, he can hear Louise: _stay with me, Phil. Don’t you dare fall asleep._  
  
**  
  
Phil’s heard stories of mermaids falling in love with humans and being turned into humans, and when their tail splits and they get legs they can hardly walk, there are stories about them dying on the beach and being washed away without ever finding the human they love. They’re in so much pain they can’t move and the sea claims them. These were the stories he was brought up on, and Phil thinks he must be dead. He’s definitely dead. Someones slapping his face and then he clenches his fist and he feels sand in his nails. As he begins to come to, he listens to the waves crashing on the shore, and then he blinks.  
  
"Oh my God, you’re alive," Dan breathes.  
  
"How? What’s happened?" Phil asks. He coughs and splutters, feeling his nose and his throat burning with the all salt water he’s managed to swallow. His breath is coming out in wheezes and he barely notices Dan wrapping a towel around him.  
  
"Your friend shouted for me. I think she’s gone now, _oh Phil_.” Dan sounds sad and Phil can’t focus on anything, because _it hurts_. God, it hurts more than anything he’s ever felt and he squeezes his eyes shut.  
  
"This is all my fault, this is all my fucking fault," Dan says, and Phil watches Dan’s eyes move from the beach hut back to Phil.  
  
"I don’t think I can move," Phil gasps out. Dan bites so hard into his lip that Phil’s a little worried he’s going to bite right through his skin. Phil swallows and he manages shake his head. "Not your fault," he breathes. He can feel his vision starting to blur and Dan’s shouting his name again.  
  
**  
  
The first thing Phil realises is that he’s freezing cold and he’s shivering. There’s a thick blanket on top of him but it isn’t doing anything to help, then he realises he’s in agony. He rolls over onto his front and groans, biting into his lip.  
  
"Phil?"  
  
 _Dan._ Phil opens his eyes, blinking up at Dan and smiling despite how uncomfortable he feels. “Hey,” he whispers.  
  
"I have the heater on but I don’t know what to do to make you warmer, I think - you used to have something to keep you warm. I don’t - "  
  
"Body heat," Phil says.  
  
Dan raises his eyebrows. “Is that just a ploy to get a cuddle?” he asks, and Phil nods.  
  
Dan smiles and gently pushes Phil onto his side away from him. Then Dan presses himself to Phil’s back, curving around him and sliding his arm around his waist. Phil grabs Dan’s hand and he listens to Dan breathing, feeling it hot against his neck.  
  
"Did you carry me here?" Phil asks.  
  
"Yeah, I’ve been saving my upper body strength for this moment," Dan says and Phil feels him smiling. "Can I do anything else? I can get some pain killers tomorrow from the shop," Dan says.  
  
"This is good," Phil mumbles.  
  
**  
  
"Good morning," Dan says quietly when Phil blinks his eyes open again. He can feel the pain below his waist and winces, trying not to make a fuss but Dan notices. "How do you feel?" he asks.  
  
"It hurts, but I’m warm."  
  
"I can get you something for the pain."  
  
The sun is streaming in through the open curtains and it burns a little, Phil’s skin is so sensitive. He stretches his legs out in front of him, flexing his toes, and when he looks up at Dan he realises they’re very close, and Dan looks so concerned. This is weird, and Phil can hear his ragged breathing as he glances around the hut, trying to avoid looking at the shape of Dan’s lips or the brown of his eyes.  
  
"Can we kind of just lie here - for a bit?" Phil asks.  
  
Dan frowns at him but then nods and lies back down. He reaches out to find Phil’s hand and tangle their fingers. “I used to think about this all the time,” he admits after a pause, and Phil just nods.  
  
**  
  
Dan wants to take Phil out for coffee, but Phil isn’t sure how far they can walk. He keeps trying to stand and his legs give way. Dan helps him, holding onto his hand, sometimes fitting his fingers against the dip of Phil’s waist to keep him upright. After a few hours he’s putting one foot in front of the other, and Dan looks proud of Phil until he trips over absolutely nothing and lands on his face.  
  
"Okay, good effort. Let’s go," Dan says.  
  
He drags on Phil’s hand and they leave the hut. Phil’s layered up in Dan’s clothes, because although Dan says it’s hot, Phil doesn’t have his hard skin to protect him from the cold any more and also his skin is so pale from never being exposed to the sun, it might as well be translucent so he burns really, really easily and he can’t deal with anymore pain _ever_ again.  
  
"Hey Dan," the guy behind the counter says. He walks out and pulls Dan into a hug, which makes Dan look uncomfortable.  
  
He pries the guy off of him, laughing.”I’m still bad at the hug thing,” Dan says. Phil’s never seen how Dan acts around other people before, he’s always been pretty good at hugging Phil.  
  
"It’s been years, what brings you up here?" the guy asks.  
  
Dan nods his head towards Phil and Phil feels a rush when he realises Dan’s telling this guy he’s the reason Dan’s here. “Best mate lives up here,” Dan says.  
  
 _Best mate._ Phil swallows and forces a smile because that’s definitely better than nothing, it’s better than Dan not being able to introduce him because he has no word for him, because he means nothing. Best mate. Phil can totally live with that.

They get coffee and Dan has to stop Phil from drinking it all at once because it’s so warm, and he ends up burning his tongue. He decides he likes coffee.  
  
"We should get you something to wear," Dan says, looking Phil up and down.  
  
  
  
They end up on the end pier that evening, after playing in the arcade all day. Dan played this dancing game where he had to copy the moves on screen, and Phil stared as he spun and jumped, laughing every time he placed his foot in the wrong place. The lights danced on his face, and Phil couldn’t look away. He had followed Dan around, learnt how to use the two pence machine, and tried over and over to win something in the grabber machine, while Dan leant against the side and told him They’re all rigged, these things. They’re a rip off.  
  
Now they have ice cream and Dan’s leaning right over the railings, looking down at the sea. There’s music behind Phil, and the smell of hot dogs and sea water in his nose as he breathes in.  
  
"Do you know if this permanent?" Dan asks.  
  
"I don’t know," Phil admits.  
  
"Do you want it to be?"  
  
Phil looks at Dan and watches him chewing on his lip. He does that too much when he’s nervous about something or thinking too much, and his lips are so chapped and bitten. They look really sore.”I don’t have much down there, it wouldn’t be awful for me to start over somewhere else,” Phil says.  
  
Dan nods and smiles, reaching to swipe his thumb over Phil’s nose. “Had ice cream on your nose, you dork,” he says, looking back at he sea with a smile on his face. Phil wants to kiss him.  
  
  
  
They walk along the sand, and then sit down next to each other. Phil hugs his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them.  
  
"I feel like I’m not - I’m not good enough, you know? I’m never quite good enough," Dan says. He lets out a breath. "I’m sorry, I need to stop talking about me. I’m so annoying."  
  
"I like talking about you, and you _are_ good enough, Dan. You’re more than good enough.”  
  
"Things just got really fucking bad," Dan whispers, his voice so quiet that the words almost get lost in the wind and the waves. Phil reaches out and grabs his hand, lying down and dragging Dan with him, and Dan laughs, looking up at the stars.  
  
They stay there until it’s dark, talking about everything, everything they’ve missed, why Dan’s here. His parents broke up, and they didn’t know what to do with the beach hut, so they gave it to Dan because of how much he used to look forward to holidays here when he was a kid. Phil doesn’t want to move from this spot, even though he knows there’s sand in his hair and it’s starting to get really cold.  
  
He squeezes Dan’s fingers and lifts them to kiss his knuckles, and Dan tilts his head to look at Phil and smile. “You’re cute,” he whispers.  
  
"You’re the cute one. I’m manly and macho and stuff."  
  
Dan laughs. “Wanna go skinny dipping?” he asks.  
  
"What’s that?"  
  
Dan laughs again, loud and bright, and Phil has no idea what’s so funny but he smiles because he loves seeing Dan like this. “Get naked and come swimming with me. That’s skinny dipping.”  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I dare you," Dan says, knowing Phil’s competitive and will struggle to say no. "Come on, double dog dare you."  
  
"Oh my God, are you nine?" Phil says with a laugh. He swallows, feeling his face heat up when Dan pulls his t shirt over his head and gets to his feet.  
  
"Shut up. You had a weird crush on me when I was nine," Dan says.  
  
Phil shakes his head. “I did _not_ have a crush on you then, you were a baby.”  
  
Dan pulls off his jeans and then gets his thumbs under the waist of his boxers, raising his eyebrows. “Come on, Phil, don’t be boring.” Dan starts walking towards the sea and Phil watches him pulling off his boxers before he breaks into a run. Phil can’t exactly see anything, it’s dark and Dan’s far away, but he still flushes even redder.  
  
"Dan, wait up."

Phil sighs, looking up at the sky, at the stars, and he looks back at Dan, trying not to laugh when Dan nearly trips over his feet. Dan’s clumsiness does make Phil feel slightly better about his own. Phil stands up and pulls off his clothes, walking down the beach towards the water. He hears a splash and then Dan laughing. Dan disappears under the waves and Phil gets his boxers off and dives in after him, gasping when Dan reemerges next to him, making him jump.  
  
Dan’s breathing heavily and he reaches to push his hair out of his eyes and slick it back. His cheeks are red and his eyes bright. “Do you - are you dating anyone right now?” Dan asks.  
  
Phil raises his eyebrows, remembering Dan’s words just yesterday. He shakes his head. “Mermaids only fall in love once,” he says slowly, not looking Dan in the eye.  
  
"Oh wow, like that’s monogamous to the extreme. That’s - oh _shit_.” Dan holds his hand over his mouth and Phil wants to laugh at how long it took him to catch on.  
  
Dan doesn’t say anything for a moment. Phil’s not sure there’s anything either of them can say. “I want you to stay,” Dan says quietly. “I want it to be permanent. Is that selfish?”  
  
Phil bites his lip and shakes his head. “I’ve never had a friend like you,” he says.  
  
"You broke my heart a bit," Dan says. He looks down at where his hands are making patterns and waves on the surface of the water.  
  
"I’m sorry."  
  
"It feels like fucking ages ago."  
  
"Well, it kind of was - we were kids, really, weren’t we?"  
  
Dan looks up at Phil finally. The lights from the beach shine orange on his face, and Phil can see tears in his eyes. Phil moves closer to him. “Oh God, I don’t want to cry in front of you,” Dan mutters.  
  
"You know, we can’t cry under water? The sadness just sits there with no where to go."  
  
"I don’t want you to fuck me over again," Dan says. He presses his palms to his eyes and something in his voice makes Phil’s chest clench. "I don’t love you." It sounds like he’s trying to convince himself and Phil isn’t sure how he didn’t notice before.  
  
"Yes you do," Phil says.  
  
Dan looks up at him, narrowing his eyes. “I _don’t_ , and how would you know - you’re not even a mermaid anymore?”  
  
"I don’t need to be a mermaid to know you love me."  
  
"I don’t want to be in love with a monster," Dan hisses. As soon as he’s said it, it’s obvious he regrets it. He covers his mouth with his hand. "No, I didn’t mean that. You’re not - I don’t think that."  
  
Phil looks at Dan and then he looks down at the black blue of the water, opening his mouth. He swallows and then just rolls his eyes. “Okay, whatever,” he mutters. He starts making his way back to the beach, ignoring Dan’s weak voice calling him back.  
  
Phil thinks things were simpler when Dan just didn’t want to kiss boys, or kiss boys older than him. Now Dan doesn’t want to kiss Phil because he’s a monster, and Phil remembers being so scared of that being Dan’s lasting memory of him. He was horrified when he couldn’t control himself like that, and ever since all he could think was Dan must hate him, be repulsed by him, and he knows Dan doesn’t mean it, but he still feels sick to his stomach.  
  
  
  
Phil has his face buried in his pillow and he tries to ignore Dan crawling up the bed and hovering over him, his hands either side of his head. “I’m sorry,” Dan whispers. “You’re not a monster, Phil, I do - I love you.”  
  
When Phil turns over he’s surprised at first by how close they are, Dan’s face is inches from his. “When a mermaid drowns a human, they clamp their teeth own into the humans neck to keep them trapped, and they don’t feel anything until afterwards - when the human is floating to the surface. I won’t feel anything - “  
  
"That’s not true," Dan says. "You stopped yourself before. I _trust_ you.”  
  
"I can dig my nails into your skin, I can kill you. I - "  
  
Dan shakes his head. “No, I don’t think you could.”  
  
Phil blinks and feels a tear roll down the side of his face. Dan reaches to catch it with his thumb. “Weren’t you scared of me?” Phil asks.  
  
"A little bit," Dan admits. He moves a little closer to Phil, their mouths just a breath away. "I’m not any more," he whispers, and Phil tilts his head up so their lips meet.  
  
Dan licks over Phil ‘s bottom lip and into his mouth, and Phil presses up into Dan, his hands reaching to tangle in his hair. Phil gasps when Dan rocks his hips down into his, and Dan moans against his lips.  
  
"You’re hard," Dan whispers. Phil looks down at where Dan’s been slowly rocking their hips together and he bites his lip. "It’s okay, that’s meant to happen. I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do though, so - "

Phil nods because he isn’t really sure what to say, and Dan keeps pushing his hips down like he has no control over the action. Phil leans up to press his lips to Dan’s neck. It’s so hot, it’s getting right under Phil’s skin. He nips at Dan’s neck, feeling Dan’s fingers digging into his hips.  
  
Then Phil tilts Dan’s head with the hand that’s in his hair, so he can get to his neck better. “Is this - how humans make babies?” Phil asks, and Dan throws his head back and laughs loudly, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking with it. Phil isn’t sure what’s so funny, but he smiles at Dan’s reaction.  
  
"Kind of, I guess," Dan says, leaning down to smile against Phil’s collar. "Don’t worry though, seeing as we both have dicks it shouldn’t be an issue."  
  
Phil’s made a little mark on Dan’s neck and he presses his thumb to it, feeling Dan shiver. He shifts and feels Dan’s hips align with his own, the shape of him under his jeans pressing right up against Phil. Dan lets out a breathy moan, closing his eyes.  
  
"Can I touch you?" Phil asks.    
  
Dan’s breath hitches and then he nods his head. “I mean, yeah, if you want to,” he says, sounding a little out of breath.  
  
"I want to."  
  
Dan rolls onto his back and Phil leans over him, getting his jeans open and sliding his hand under his waistband. He grips Dan in his hand, just feeling the pulse of him at first, running his fingers over him and watching Dan’s eyelashes fluttering.  
  
"You’re hard too," Phil points out, and Dan smiles, letting out a breath. "What, um - should I do?" Phil asks.  
  
Dan blushes, raising his head to look at Phil. “What you’re doing now but a bit firmer, and faster,” he says.  
  
Phil tightens his grip, and Dan’s mouth falls open as he starts to properly move his hand. Dan’s making these whining noises in the back of his throat, and it’s the hottest thing Phil has ever heard, so it encourages him to move quicker. Dan keeps panting and then he arches his back and swears, and Phil watches him shuddering all over, Phil’s hand getting wet as Dan comes. He looks incredible and blissed out, and Phil wants to keep making it happen so he carries on moving his hand, but Dan lets out a breathless laugh and grabs his wrist to hold him still.  
  
"You’re going to kill me, stop," Dan gasps.  
  
He reaches to press his palm flat against the front of Phil’s jeans and he moves his hand, pushing harder against him. Phil shifts and pushes back into Dan’s hand, and he can feel the heat coiled up inside of him starting to come undone as Dan works a bit faster. Phil clenches the sheets next to Dan’s head in his fists and cries out, the heat traveling all over him and making him shake as the most amazing feeling takes over him.  
  
He can see Dan smiling at him when he opens his eyes.  
  
"Hi," Dan says, biting his lip. Phil can’t catch his breath."Was that okay?" Dan asks.  
  
"Yeah, _wow_. That was nice, can we do it again?”Dan raises his eyebrows, letting out a small laugh. “Maybe if you give me a few minutes.”  
  
Phil moves off of Dan, to curl next to him on his side and he reaches up to brush Dan’s hair from his eyes before wrapping his arm around Dan’s waist. Moonlight streams in through the window, turning everything silvery and casting shadows.  
  
"Phil - " Dan starts. Phil turns to press a kiss to Dan’s shoulder, looking up at him. "No, don’t worry. I was - I mean, if you do go back, what happens to you?"  
  
Phil swallows. “My Dad tried to kill me, so - I guess the plan will probably be to finish the job.” Phil shrugs, like he can actually try and pass this off as nothing, when he can feel his nose burn with more tears and there’s something tight in his chest.  
  
"I want to show you something tomorrow, okay?" Dan says.  
  
Phil nods.  
  
After a few minutes, he looks up again and Dan’s sleeping. Their legs are all tangled together, so it’s hard to slip out of bed without Dan waking up or noticing. Phil grabs a towel and the key card that Dan told him was for the showers and he steps out into the cold. The sky is a dark blue black, matching the ocean, and Phil squints, trying to see stars, but it’s too cloudy tonight.  
  
The shower is so hot that he can see the steam coming off of his skin, and it takes a moment for him to realise he’s crying, properly now, not just tears, but he actually aches with it. He’s been trying not to think about it, about everything, because things could be worse. But Dan’s right, what is he supposed to do if he goes home?  
  
"Phil?" Dan calls out. Phil sniffs, standing up straight and tilting his head back so the stream from the shower hits his face. "Are you okay? I woke up and you weren’t there?"  
  
"I’m sorry," Phil says. he moves to unlock the shower cubicle, putting his towel around his waist. "I can’t sleep. I think I’ll have bad dreams if I try."  
  
Dan nods, looking upset, and he pulls Phil towards him for a hug, clearly not bothered by the fact Phil’s soaking wet. “You deserve the fucking world, Phil,” Dan whispers, and Phil smiles when he remembers saying the same words to Dan and hoping he hadn’t heard him.  
  
"We’ll be okay," Dan adds, and Phil believes him.  
  
**  
  
The next morning Phil wakes up to Dan singing, and he pushes himself up onto his elbows to see Dan in the little kitchenette area of the hut. Something’s cooking and it smells incredible. It always takes a few seconds of stretching and flexing for Phil to feel steady on his feet, and then he gets up and walks over to Dan.  
  
"What’s this?" he asks."Pancakes," Dan says with grin. "Second best to orgasms. Actually, possibly better. I’m not sure."  
  
Phil smiles and moves to press a quick kiss to Dan’s cheek. Dan turns around and wraps his arms around Phil’s shoulders, kissing him properly and then he pulls away, laughing when he feels Phil’s thumb pressing his dimple.  
  
  
  
Dan brings Phil up to the cliffs, talking all the way there, so he’s out of breath when they get to the top. There’s a bench and Dan shows Phil the words _dan howell_ carved messily into the wood. He traces over the letters. “I was about thirteen when I did that, I used to come up here to think.” Dan pulls something out of his pocket, flicking up a little knife and passing it to Phil. “Please can you put your name under it?”  
  
"Yeah," Phil says, smiling. He starts scratching into the wood. Dan swallows and he sits down next to where Phil’s kneeling  
  
"When I was younger I thought I was a monster, because of the whole gay thing," Dan says. "You just don’t see two guys getting happy endings in films. It’s only ever played as a joke. I thought something was really wrong with me, and I really needed someone to tell me I was okay."  
  
Phil gets to the first ‘L’ in his name and he turns to look at Dan, watching the wind catching his hair. Dan blinks and looks out at the beach, which looks tiny from up here.  
  
"I never thanked you for that," Dan says. "I’m sorry for calling you a monster, I don’t think that at all. I was just angry at myself."  
  
"I know."  
  
Dan nods, watching Phil finish carving his name. “Should we put it in a heart?” Dan asks, and Phil laughs.  
  
"That’s so cheesy, yes, we definitely should." Phil starts scratching in a wobbly looking heart around both of their names, and he feels Dan’s hand on his shoulder. Then Dan stands up.  
  
"I’ll show you what else being up here is good for," Dan says. He walks closer to the edge, and Phil has a horrible feeling for a moment that he’s going to jump, which is ridiculous, but his stomach still flips.  
  
Then Dan cups his hands around his mouth and just yells.  
  
"Oh my God, you scared me," Phil says with a laugh. He gets to his feet. It’s so quiet, maybe it’s still early or maybe no one comes up here, but Phil kind of feels on top of the world. Dan’s breathing heavily, and he turns to smile at Phil.  
  
"Go on," Dan prompts.  
  
"What, just scream? I don’t know - "  
  
"It’ll make you feel better, seriously. Endorphins and shit, or something. Just _scream_.”  
  
Phil clears his throat and looks out at the beach, and then up at the horizon. He clenches his fists at his sides and he screams. He feels the tension leave his body when he does it, and he feels worn out, like he’s been running. Dan laughs next to him, and Phil turns to kiss him, almost knocking him backwards with the force.  
  
"I love you so much," he says.  
  
Dan breathes out shakily and nods his head. “I love you too.”  
  
Phil smiles and kisses him again, kisses his lips and his cheeks and his forehead, feeling Dan’s hand grab at his t shirt and curl in the fabric, pulling him closer. They stand there for a little while, listening to the seagulls and the far away sound of the waves, just breathing against each others mouths. Phil feels like he’s home.  
  
**  
  
It’s late and they’re holding hands as they walk along the beach, and for the first time maybe forever, Phil’s talking about himself. It’s not because Dan talks over him, it’s just that Dan wears his feelings on show and Phil holds back, and Phil isn’t so good at talking about his own problems. Dan listens, squeezing his fingers and drawing patterns with his thumb on the back of Phil’s hand. Their bare feet sink into the wet sand.  
  
They climb up onto the rocks where they met, and Dan sits so his feet are dangling in the water. Phil looks at him, just watches as Dan closes his eyes and breathes out slowly.  
  
"I love the sea," Dan says.  
  
"Yeah," Phil agrees, shuffling closer to Dan. He drops his head to Dan’s shoulder and Dan reaches up to play with Phil’s hair, twirling it in his fingers. "I prefer dry land, to be honest. I don’t really wanna go back," Phil says. He shrugs.  
  
"Remember I said I wrote you letters?" Dan asks. Phil nods and glances up when Dan pulls an envelope out of his pocket. "This is the last one I wrote. Like, don’t read it in front of me. But read it when you get a chance."  
  
Phil takes the envelope, smiling and running his thumb over the words on the front. _For Phil_. “How many did you write?” he asks.  
  
"Oh my God like a hundred. I don’t know - at least one a week sometimes, I was mad about you." Dan rolls his eyes at himself, smiling. He leans forward and kisses Phil, still smiling against his lips, and Phil cups Dan’s neck. He hears Dan breathe in sharply, but he focuses his attention on sucking on Dan’s lower lip and feeling Dan’s hand on his chest. Then Dan starts shoving at him.  
  
"Phil," He urges, his voice sounding desperate, and when Phil snaps back to reality, he pulls his hand away from Dan and scrambles to his feet. Dan brings his hand up to his neck and when he brings it back down, there’s blood on his fingers, and Phil feels his blood running cold. He takes a step back, almost slipping and blinks, his eyes filling with tears.  
  
"Your eyes," Dan says quietly.  
  
Phil turns and he sees himself in his reflection in the water, and he feels sick. He looks down at his hands, at his nails, sharp and pointed and he holds his hand over his mouth.  
  
"Phil, it’s okay - " Dan starts.  
  
Phil brings his other hand to his neck and he can feel his gills fluttering under his fingers, and he tries to breathe in through his nose. “Shit, _shit._ I’m sorry _,_ " he whispers. He looks up at the moon, full and round in the sky, and he can’t even bear to turn around and see Dan’s expression. He pulls his t shirt over his head, and he dives into the water. Dan’s screaming his name, it sounds like he’s crying, but Phil squeezes his eyes shut and pretends not to hear him.  
  
  
  
"You just left?" Louise asks. "You left the love of your life on the rocks, screaming your name, are you mad?"  
  
"I hurt him," Phil says. "I was about two seconds away from digging my nails into his neck and dragging him with me, so shut up. I had to leave."  
  
"You should have stayed, I don’t - I know you couldn’t have stayed, with the whole tail growing back thing. But you two are like, God, you’re meant to be with each other."  
  
Phil leans back against a rock, and he watches as his tail moves out in front of him, light blue and shimmering and it feels so weird after getting used to having legs. He closes his eyes and all he can feel his Dan’s lips on his. “What do you suggest I do then? Because it turns out we _can’t_ be with each other.”  
  
"You changed back on a full moon, that’s - I’m not sure how much of a coincidence that is."  
  
"How do you know it’s a full moon?" Phil asks.  
  
Louise rolls her eyes. “You aren’t the only mermaid who goes to the surface, Phil, it’s pretty up there. People are pretty, the stars are pretty.”  
  
"Do you know the constellations?"  
  
Louise smiles and shakes her head  
  
"Dan taught me them," Phil says with a nod. Phil remembers the moon, the full moon and he blinks at Louise, his eyes opening wide as he realises what she’s saying. "You think I’m just going to be a mermaid when there’s a full moon?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
  
  
Phil’s hands are shaking, he’s so nervous as he approaches his Father. “I need to know something,” Phil says, and he takes his Dad by surprise. He turns to look at Phil with wide eyes. “I need to know what curse was put on me - I need to know that I can go back and I need - I need to know you didn’t want me dead.”  
  
"That’s a little more than just something."  
  
Phil keeps his expression blank, he clenches his fists and he thinks about Dan and screaming on top of the cliffs, and he thinks about anything being possible when Dan’s around.  
  
"I didn’t want you dead, I knew you’d find a way up. I wanted to punish you, I wanted to scare you - but I’ve realised since that the best way to punish you would actually be to force you to stay _here_.”  
  
Phil’s nails cut into his palms. “Please,” his voice breaks a bit and he swallows, angry at himself because he’s been so confident and now he’s messing it up. “Don’t do that,” he says.  
  
His Dad looks at him for what feels like a long time and then he shakes his head. “I’m not going to do that,” he says. “Because your Mother would hate me, and because you’re not happy here.”  
  
Phil doesn’t think his Dad’s ever even spoken about his Mum in front of him, and he swallows but can’t dislodge the huge lump in his throat as the words sink in. “Can I go back?” he asks after a pause.  
  
"The curse is that you’re human every day apart from when there’s a full moon, and on those days you could hurt humans that have certain feelings for you, but I think you can control that. You have before."  
  
"Why are you being nice? I thought I’d have to argue or beg or something," Phil says.  
  
"I told you why." He raises his voice, and Phil winces. "Just go - I hope he’s worth it."  
  
Phil smiles and nods his head. “He is.”  
  
  
  
Phil swims to the surface the next evening, and as he’s moving he can feel his tail changing. He gets to the surface and breathes in deep, closing his eyes and kicking his legs, wincing at the pain but smiling when he catches sight of Dan on the cliffs.  
  
"Dan," he calls out, waving his arms.  
  
It takes a second for Dan to notice him, and then he disappears. A moment later he’s running towards Phil on the sand. He falters, standing so his ankles are being splashed by the waves, and he holds his breath, watching Phil step out of the water, wobbling a bit and grabbing Dan for support.  
  
"You came back?" Dan asks.  
  
Phil nods, and he reaches out to touch the scratches on Dan’s neck. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers.  
  
Dan moves away, watching Phil carefully.  
  
"I can learn to control it," Phil says. "Before when you were trying to hide it, it was easier. But I know I can."  
  
"I know," Dan says with a nod. He still hasn’t moved his arms. "I trust you," he adds, but Phil isn’t sure if he does, because he seems frozen to the spot. He watches Dan looking up at the sky, which is getting darker as the sun sets.  
  
"Dan - ""How long can you stay for?" Dan interrupts. "I can’t cope with you leaving again, okay?"

"Until there’s another full moon, but then after that I can come back."  
  
Dan stares at Phil, and slowly his face breaks into a smile “Are you serious?”  
  
Phil nods. “That would be a cruel thing to lie about - ” Phil’s cut off when Dan moves to press their lips together, his arms finally moving from his sides to loop around Phil’s neck and Phil curls his hand around Dan’s waist. They stand there, kissing slowly, until Dan laughs breathlessly against Phil’s lips and pulls away.  
  
"Let’s go get you some clothes," he says, and Phil realises he’s making a huge effort to keep his eyes on Phil’s face. Phil smiles and Dan rolls his eyes when he feels Phil’s thumb press into the dimple on his cheek, before it’s replaced with his lips.  
  
"Or we could go skinny dipping?" Phil suggests.  
  
Dan laughs, raising his eyebrows. “We could do that.”  
  
"Come on then Dan, don’t be boring," Phil says quietly. He drops his hand from Dan’s waist and starts walking towards the sea. When he glances back, Dan’s pulling his t shirt over his head, and Phil has to stop walking to stare, his eyes moving over Dan’s body.  
  
Dan blushes, his hands hovering at the waist of his boxers. “You’re making me really self conscious,” he says.  
  
"Sorry, it’s just - you’re so pretty." Phil takes a breath, and Dan laughs, shaking his head.  
  
"I’m not pretty."  
  
"Accept the compliment," Phil says, poking his tongue out, and Dan glances behind them, making sure no ones around before he finishes getting undressed.  
  
"Race you," Dan says.  
  
He doesn’t give Phil a chance to respond before he’s running past him and into the water, diving under the surface. Phil runs after him, feeling the wind in his hair, _feeling home._  
  
**  
  
 _Dear Phil,_  
  
 _I guess it’s got to the point where I’ve realised I’m writing letters to someone who will never read the words I want them to read. When I was younger writing to you got me through really tough times, but now maybe it’s time to just grow up. You might not even be real, my Mum says I have an over-active imagination, it’s why I’m good at drama and I’m shit at most other things to be honest. I think you are real though._  
  
 _I remember you more vividly than I could remember an imaginary friend or a dream, you aren’t blurred like a dream, you don’t come back to me in fragments. You’re bright blue and your hands were always cold, but they made me feel so warm. You always made me so happy._  
  
 _That’s how I remember you, as the person who made me feel like I deserved the world, so I don’t want you to ever think that I remember you in a negative way. You’ll always be beautiful to me._  
  
 _I think I’ve learned that life goes on without you, and that’s all fine and it’s okay. I’d rather be with you though, it’s not so much a need as just something that feels like a necessity, like we’re kind of meant to be together. That’s just how things are supposed to be._  
  
 _On the off chance you ever read this, I want to let you know that part of me will always be with you and no matter what I say, or do, or how much I try and hide it, somewhere deep down I’m going to love you for the rest of my life._  
  
 _This is my last letter. I start university tomorrow. Maybe I’ll see you soon, I feel like I might. I don’t know why, I just think it’s inevitable,_

_Dan_


End file.
